Guest Post – Zelmaru On Villainy 101

Hi, Zelmaru from Murloc Parliament here.  Firespirit asked me to talk to you about… villains.

Are you a would-be villain having trouble inspiring fear in the forces of “good”?  Here is the theorycraft on improving your villain skills.

Being a Villain: Basic Requirements

1. A Compelling Backstory. I’m sure it was very difficult to get rejected from Harvard and have to attend your “safety school,” but that does not a villain make.

Think awful childhood.  Dead mom.  Controlling environment.  Abandonment issues.  Blah blah.

2. An impressive name.  You might need a stage name here.  Bonus points for faking educational credentials.

3. A Unique Look. You want to be evil AND memorable, right? Not “that dude wearing black.”  Booooring.

Yes, that might mean wearing makeup.  Get over yourself.  You’ll do it and you’ll LIKE IT.

4. A distinctive way of speaking. Do you want the secretary putting you on hold when you’re trying to state your evil demands?

Well then, try to sound more “evil” and less “pool boy.”

5.  An evil laugh. You have to laugh really evilly at someone’s bad fortune.  A villain should practice the laugh at least an hour a day.  Maybe two.  Otherwise, how are you going to get into the evil league of evil?

Warning: do not use evil laugh while watching comedy shows.  It undermines your evilness.

6. Your Evil Style. Your actions should reflect your own style, your signature, if you will.  You want everyone to know it was YOU who did the evil deed, after all.

Avoid others’ signature moves at all costs.  If the only weapons you have are a sword or a mackerel, use the mackerel, because all the other morons like to swish around with the sword.  Yes, the mackerel may be less effective.  But at least you won’t get mistaken for that loser Zorro

7.  Overly-complicated plans. If your plan is simple, it’s not villainous or evil.  It’s just a boring old crime.

Shooting someone in the face: boring.  You might as well be a common thug.  Dipping someone into acid filled with acid-breathing sharks: Ok, getting closer.

Do not measure your evil plans by probability of success or you will never create sufficiently villainous schemes.

8. An Evil Hidden Lair. No, not a house.  A LAIR.

If you can’t figure out how to turn your evil headquarters into a proper lair, you need to go back to evil finishing school.

It should be underground, within a mountain, or on an island.  Location, location, location.

9. Incompetent henchmen. This is so that you can kill them for being incompetent (killing is always good more evil) or they will simply make you angrier (and therefore much more evil) by botching one of your evil schemes.

Remember, evil is a goal in itself.  Sometimes achieving your stated goal is secondary to the amount of evil along the way

10. Trophy Companion. Evil has to get some too.

Also expendable.  Dispose of mate for evil points if your evil karma is dropping.

11. A Cat. Do I really need to say why?

How to Steal the Spotlight

Stupid so-called “heroes” trying to be the star.  That’s a load of crap.  It’s the villain that’s the star.  Here’s how to make sure you steal the show.

1. Monologues. Yeah, I know, it kinda shows your hand.  But what’s the point of it all if you can’t gloat?

2. Be Quotable. How mad is the hero going to be if everyone remembers your infamous lines, but not his?

Everyone remembers and quotes “I’ll be back.”  Now, what the sissy heroes say?  “AAAGH RUN!!” Doesn’t have the same ring to it.

3. Crazy is an Asset. As a hero, sanity is a plus.  As a villain, the crazier the better.  Perfectly sane people are boring.

4. Get someone the hero trusts to switch loyalties. He cries, you get to cackle, showing off the aforementioned well-practiced evil laugh.  Totally win/win.

Bonus points if you later kill the mole.  You know that eventually the mole is gonna switch back to “good” anyway because of that stupid “conscience” thing.  Might as well nip that in the bud with a good old-fashioned bludgeoning.  Or the acid pit.  Whatever.

5. Three words: Blowing Sh*t up. How can people not pay attention when you blow up something?  BOOM!  Not enough attention?  Blow up something else.

Stuff the hero can blow up: your lair.  Stupid “moral code.”

Stuff you, the villain, can blow up: everything else.  Buildings, cities, planets – anything.

6. The double-cross. “Hey, gullible hero, let’s work together against a common enemy.  Scout’s honor…”  The moron hero falls for it every time.  The look on his little face as you get the upper hand and his hopes are dashed is priceless.

No, idiot, we don’t all have an inner moral code waiting to get out.  Stop trying to see the good in everyone.

7. There are no setbacks, only opportunities.  Remember, you can’t stage an awesome jailbreak if you never get “captured” every now and then.  Every supposed setback has its own range of evil opportunities.  When you get lemons, make poisoned lemonade.

8. The big reveal! I know something you don’t know, Mr. Know-It-All Hero.  NEINER NEINER!  Let me snicker at your emotional angst.

Sure, it’s probably a short-lived victory, but it is still awesome!

9. Make a Dramatic and Unforgettable Exit. Whether you’re escaping in your awesome rocket or, ahem, perishing, a dramatic exit will upstage the hero, and spoil his “victory” over evil.

Edit:  Sorry Zel!  Number 8 is fixed!

5 Responses to “Guest Post – Zelmaru On Villainy 101”
  1. Rivs says:

    7’s so good had to list it twice? 😛

  2. Angelya says:

    Too.. funny.. sides hurt 😀

    Zel, you are the evil genius.

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